It seems we're always searching for this elusive thing called happiness. How can we cultivate more happiness in our lives – especially when the external world is figuratively and/or literally on fire? The answer is both simple and hard - happiness is found by living true to soul. Put another way, happiness is found by living authentically and following our hearts.
Our culture has programmed us to allow others to tell us how to live. When we are young, we are told who we should be, how we should act, and what we should believe. When we fall out of line, we are disciplined. We add on subsequent layers of suppression as we enter other institutions throughout life, such as schools. We are actually programmed to not listen to our hearts and souls. We are instead programmed to do what we're told and obey authority figures or face the consequences.
This is an old paradigm that is breaking down before our very eyes. Our blind faith in others, our propensity for handing our power to others, whether governmental, career, or family because “we’re supposed to,” is wreaking havoc on our lives. We’re waking up to the adverse effects of giving our power away to anyone but ourselves because it leads to unhappiness.
One area where we are apt to give our power away is within the family. We may not see it as giving power away, but that is the essence of what we’re doing. It isn’t surprising to hear someone say, “I want to be an artist, but my dad wants me to be a doctor, so I’m going to medical school.” By ignoring the inner desire to be an artist and going to medical school instead, this person is giving their power to their dad and saying, "I'll do what I'm told." We are taught that our parents know better than we do and we should listen to them or bad things will happen to us. We may fear that if we don’t do what they say, they will withhold their love as punishment, which is an inner child's worst fear. We are told it’s bad to make mistakes, so we do what we're told to avoid being "wrong" and judged as a failure.
To be clear, our elders hold wisdom, and it is prudent to consider their guidance. But we have to consider their past experiences that influence their guidance. Those past experiences are not our own, and we may have different outcomes. It’s important to listen to the advice with discernment and check in with our hearts before deciding whether it should be followed. We are all on our own journeys and must find our own way through the contrast and growth opportunities that life provides us.
When we sacrifice our heart’s calling to make a family member happy, even with the best intentions, we may veer off course. To use the above scenario, perhaps the person becomes a doctor instead of an artist but is so miserable that they become physically ill. It is only after being unable to work due to the illness that the person picks up the paintbrush again and realizes how happy they feel. This was the path all along. How long were they off course because they didn't choose their heart's calling?
There’s never a mistake in life; all is as it should be. However, there are critical choice points where one choice is aligned with our soul’s desire, and the other is aligned with someone else’s. As much as we may want to, we can’t live another’s life for them by continually sacrificing our desires for theirs. By sacrificing our desires for the betterment of another, we may stunt our own growth and expansion. We are born with desires for a reason. Life will show us we’re off course through challenges experienced along the road of the misaligned path until we start to make course corrections.
When we don’t live true to our souls, we feel it – mentally, emotionally, and eventually, physically. This can manifest as feelings of malaise, emptiness, and unhappiness. Those feelings signal that we’re on a misaligned path. The Universe is patient and will give us signal after signal, but if we’re still not paying attention, the signals and messages may get more and more uncomfortable until we can't ignore them anymore.
It can feel uncomfortable to choose someone else's desires over our own, but ironically, it can also feel uncomfortable when we choose ourselves. It can be difficult to discern which is the "right" kind of uncomfortable. To determine the difference, ask, “Does this feel like love or fear?” Love feels expansive and free, and fear feels constricting and limiting.
If a family member wants you to do something that doesn’t feel aligned, would it be love or fear to say no? You may think, “I love this person; therefore, I’m willing to make this sacrifice to make them happy.” Is this really love, or is it fear disguised as love? Are you afraid that if you say no, they won't love you or that you'll be a bad guy? Or is it out of misplaced or outdated loyalty? Or is it because of guilt? If we've spent our whole life putting others' needs before our own, it can be, understandably, challenging to change this pattern. The fact is, sometimes, our choices may make others uncomfortable. This temporary feeling may be preferred over finding ourselves stranded on a misaligned course.
I'll give you an example from my own life that you may identify with. My daughter graduated from high school and, in the fall, went to a school two hours away (and she doesn't drive). As a single mom, it was so hard for me to see her go. It had only been her and me for years; she was my best friend. The feeling was accentuated when she finished the school program and moved in with friends. It hit me that she wasn't coming home. She was off living her own life, which, of course, was what she was supposed to do. I was proud of her for being so independent, but I still suffered through a prolonged period of empty nester syndrome.
I lived alone for close to two years and only saw her periodically. Just as I was coming out of my adjustment period, I met a man who lived in Florida. The relationship progressed quickly, and I faced a conundrum: Do I stay in California near my daughter or move to Florida to pursue this promising new relationship after seven years of being single? I went through emotions of fear and guilt and sadness and more guilt. I wondered if I was being selfish. Still, I ultimately chose love, evolution, and adventure and moved to Florida.
At first, my daughter was angry. She couldn't understand why I would move so far away from her and felt I was abandoning her. It was gut-wrenching for me to know that I was hurting her by following my heart, but I chose to do it anyway. She soon adjusted to the idea and was happy that I had finally found love.
Sometimes, there are perfectly good reasons for sacrificing our desires for others, but we must be sure we're doing it consciously and for the right reasons. I spent a lot of time contemplating whether staying in California would be a choice of fear or love. I could see both sides. But, ultimately, I knew that if I chose to stay, it would be out of fear. My daughter was off living her own life, and despite her initial objection, it was also time for me to live mine (side note - he's incredible and I don't regret my choice).
Happiness isn’t some elusive construct that can only be found if we meditate for an hour a day or have a "perfect" life. We find happiness by empowering ourselves to live true to our souls, and we make a conscious choice to align with the love that resides within us every day. We offer ourselves unconditional love, respect, and honor and align our choices with our highest good without limitation. We use our feelings and emotions as our internal GPS and course correct as needed and without judgment. We accept full responsibility for ourselves and our choices. We claim our sovereignty and empower ourselves to go against the dictates of external authority figures. And above all, we always choose love over fear. This is true happiness.